Chapter ONE

Lochan

My heart was still thumping a loud but steady beat as I looked into Maya's eyes. We were finally alone, no kids this weekend. Kit left to his week-long camping field trip and both Tiffin and Willa were sleeping over at George's and Susie's house. Maya and I could finally be ourselves without having to hide from our siblings.

Maya is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and at one point the feeling made me feel shame. But how can I feel shame for the love I have for her. Biologically she may be my sister but we feel more than that, she is my partner, my best friend, my better half. We both feel this way, it may be fucked up in the eyes of the entire world but it is natural for us.

When I was 12 our father left our mother and in consequence our mother decided to forget she had children. I have been heading this home for the last five years with the help of Maya. Making us fall in to the role of parents to our younger siblings. Keeping our home going has been a struggle, especially in the last several months since I started to acknowledge my feelings toward my sister. At first I had a difficult time accepting my feelings and then shame for them. Eventually we decided that it was hopeless to fight what we felt for each other. The last three months have been the best of my life, being able to touch and kiss her, sneaking in to her room every night after all the kids went to sleep. Even life with our siblings has improved, once hanging by a thread, the routine has become more placid and enjoyable. Except for the random visits our mother pays us when her boyfriend takes off to be with his ex-wife, but usually those are rare and only last one night.

To say our mother has been there for us since the divorce would be a lie, once dad left she had to find a job and provide for us and that was a great excuse to not come home. She has been working in a bar owned by her boyfriend Dave for a long time now; since then we only have seen her at most once a week and as of late she goes missing for months. As for our father, we have not seen him since that fateful day he promised he would come back often to visit us. The phone calls, letters, and birthday gifts seized coming once he was too pre-occupied with the new baby. If we have anymore siblings we wouldn't know, dad lives in Australia with the lovely colleague he left our mother for. I guess poets just can't help but to find new muses to fall in love with.

Today is an amazing day, a beautiful Saturday morning, just Maya and I. She came running from dropping off Tiffin and Willa and she looked beautiful, even though she was covered in rain and her hair looked a mess. We kissed; it was freeing to be able to do it when we felt like it. We went upstairs so she could change from her wet clothes to something dry and warm. In her bedroom she started to unbutton her blouse and having a hard time doing it while her soaked fingers trembled from the cold rain. I walk over and try to assist her.

"Jeez, you're more useless than Tiffin!" I chide her.

"It's because it's wet! I think this stupid shirt shrank in the rain or something."

"Hold on, hold on…" I tell her while reaching for the first button.

Suddenly I am hit with teenage hormones that burst when I am close to her. I can feel the air charge around us, usually in bed at night we kiss and touch. Other days we kiss and touch while we both lay naked in her bed but we never go beyond that. Today though, we planned to go all the way, I went and got some condoms while she dropped the kids off this morning. We never really talked about having sex and when the topic came up, I usually changed it.

I've never felt this for no one, not in my eighteen years of life, the need to be with someone so desperately. I have never had girlfriend, or a crush for that matter. Girls usually tried to engage in me in school but I am not the social type. It seemed to the outside world that I was always brooding, no one understood me; except Maya. She is turning seventeen in a couple of weeks, even though she looks young, she is mature beyond her age; always reassuring me and making me believe that we can work through anything.

I finish unbuttoning her blouse and start to slide it down her shoulders when I hear the door open.

"Shit!" we both exclaim.

"Change. I'll go see who is here." I walk out of her bedroom down the hall and down the stairs.

"Lochie! Lochie! I am sorry Lochie!" yells Kit.

"What? What did you do?" Oh crap. What did he do? Did he get kicked out of his trip? Oh my God, did they find weed in his bag? I ask myself.

"I was so mad you told Coach Wilson about my fear of heights, that…" he stumbled. "That… I… I called mom and told her that you and Maya…"

Oh God No! He knows!

"You told mom, what?"

"That I saw you and Maya hugging and kissing."

"What?"

"The other day, but…" he looked like he was about to cry. "That isn't important, Lochie. Mom is on her way. I wasn't thinking. I was angry. I wanted to hurt you. I know you and Maya love each other, you are like our parents." He cried.

I just stare at Kit. Can this be happening? Can my little brother understand what Maya and I kissing means. Of course he does, he's thirteen and has a girlfriend. Which he had sex with. I don't know if I should believe that or not.

"Kit. I. Um." I couldn't get anything out.

Suddenly I turn back toward the stairs and see Maya with her hand over her mouth.

"Oh. No!" She whispers.

"Please, we have to do something. Maya? Lochie? I fucked up. I know if mom believes what I said and anyone else finds out we will be separated." He sobbed.

"I don't know, Maya?" I say. Trying to think but coming blank. I feel the panic rising. No! Not another panic attack!

These past months without our mother have been hard but happy. We have been trying to keep low on the radar and make sure no one knows that our mother has been missing. Just one call, is all it takes for social services to come and separate the kids. Then we will never be whole, again.

I look back at Maya and she looks scared. We give each other the knowing look that mom is going to go ballistic. Especially if she is drunk, I will probably get sent to jail for molesting my sister and social services will get called. God! No! The Kids.

"What if I tell her I lied, Lochie? I mean, she knows I hate your guts." Kit said almost calmly. "It can work! If I tell her the reason I did it, she will believe me. Plus it would be the truth."

"Kit? I don't understand. Lochie and I… We… You saw… But why aren't you…" Maya stumbled.

"Maya, Loch, I love you guys and I know that I am an asshole. But when we are together it feels like we are a whole family. You, both of you, make it real. I know it is weird, your thing, but then again our family is weird. I just wish I had never called mom." He whispered looking at me then Maya.

"Where was mom, and how long ago did you call her?" Maya asked determined.

"I called her… Um, thirty minutes ago. I heard Dave talking, so I think they were at his apartment."

"That only gives us maybe fifteen minutes, tops. We have to think." I manage to say.

"Kit, we will stick to your plan. It should work; I can tell mom that Lochie was hugging me because I was sad over Nico breaking up with me." I winced at the name. Nico is a guy in my grade and invited Maya out on a date. That night I lost it, but it was also the night Maya and I kissed the first time and shared our feelings.

"She knows I went out with Nico, but I never said anything more. So she doesn't know if I am still seeing him. As for the… kiss… we will deny it." Maya's eyes saddened as she stared at me.

I guess both feeling horrible for having to deny what we feel in front of the world. Because our relationship, our love will never be accepted.

"Lochan." She whispered. I couldn't look at her or Kit.

"Lochie! Please, look at me." She yelled. Then she grabbed my face and looked me in the eyes.

"You need to go, now. You know mom has a short temper with you, Kit and I will fix this. You need to go, come back in an hour. Hopefully mom will be gone by then."

"Maya, I can't let you take this on, on your own. I am responsible as well, I got to…" she cut me off.

"No, Lochie. You already do too much for all of us. Let me fix this my love." She whispered and hugged me.

Then I felt another set of arms around me. I looked and Kit and wondered how my little thirteen year old brother went from a total jerk a couple of months ago, to this loving kid.

I had to go, I knew Maya was right. I sometimes felt my mom hated, I felt she blamed me for everything that happened to her. I sometimes felt she didn't care at all for me, not that she cared much for my other siblings; but she showed them rare affection. I got nothing, just responsibilities that belonged to her but that I assumed.

"Okay." I whispered. Walking toward the front door grabbing my coat, keys, wallet, and cell phone.

I walked out the front door; I looked back at the small two story house we have been calling home for the last five years. It wasn't much. We had a roof, we had food, and we had each other. We all managed to have our own rooms, using closets or attics as spare bedrooms in the three bedroom house. I felt dread come over me, I know Kit would try his hardest and so would Maya; but like mom, I only saw the bad shit in everything. I could lose my early admission to Penn State, my freedom, but worst would be losing my children. Because I raised those kids with Maya, they were our kids and not our mothers or fathers.

 

I walked mindlessly for over an hour, then I decided to go back home. I prayed to God, or whoever would listen, that the situation had not escalated.

I turned the key and walked in to a quiet house. Too quiet. I set my things down on the table by the door and walked into our small living room. Then as I looked up all I saw was a flying hand toward my face. SLAP!

"You dirty son-of-a-bitch! If you ever touch my little girl I will personally come and kill you. Do you hear me Lochan? If I ever hear anything from any of my children about you looking at them funny or touching them, I will kill you!" My mother said to me with wild eyes. I heard sobbing from behind her.

"After all I have done for you Lochan, this is how you repay me. Molesting Maya! I should have…"

"Mom." I heard Maya sob cutting her off. "Lochie did nothing. I already told you. So did Kit, you know how teenage boys are. Especially when they are pissed off. Lochie would never hurt me."

I stood there shocked. Not because I expected anything less from her but because her eyes finally said what she hid when she looked at me before. She hated me with every fiber of her being.

"You are lucky I am not pressing any charges. This would ruin you, Lochan. Not that there is much to ruin. I should have… I will drop by unexpectedly from now on and will have Sandra come check up on you." Disdain in her eyes.

Anger fueled me as I remembered the day my mom called Sandra to pick up Tiffin and Willa from school. She had a hangover and decided to lay in, instead of picking her kids up. Maya called me telling me that a sitter had picked them up. We have no sitter beside Maya and me. I left my after school class early and ran straight to the school, feeling like we lost our siblings forever was the most frightening feeling ever. Luckily Sandra was the sitter for one of our neighbors, returned them back to school when she couldn’t find anyone at home. Our mother decided to ask her for a favor but never mentioned it to Maya.

I continued staring at her. I take care of your kids, and I owe you?

"Quiet, just like your father when he knows he is wrong. You molester!" she snarled at me.

"I-I am not a m-molester. I would never hurt Maya." I managed to whisper.

"That better be the truth, Lochan." She finished ad walked upstairs. Presumably to her bedroom.

I looked at Kit first; he had tear stained cheeks and was slack against the couch.

"Sorry." He murmured.

"It's okay."

Then I took a look at Maya, she was still crying. I wanted nothing more than to go toward her and hug her. Tell her everything would be fine, I knew everything would be fine; as long a Maya and I stopped this now. Before we did anything else that would compromise our family. At least until our mother backed off and Maya became an adult.

 

 

The week went by quickly, spring break was over. My mother stayed the whole week with us, only leaving to go to work. When she was not home, Sandra would come over at random times of the day and check on the kids. I was able to finish the essay for Miss Azley's oral presentation. I was hoping she would let me turn it in as a written project instead of oral; since I tend to get panic attacks when speaking in public.

I was pensive the whole week, wondering how to let Maya know that we had to stop. Since our mother was home, we didn't sleep together, but we also stopped talking to each other. It felt awkward, strange, and lonely. We would have to talk eventually, the silence was killing me.

On Sunday night we all ate dinner together, Tiffin and Willa were chatting up with Maya. Kit just looked at me and gave me a look of sympathy. I never thought we would ever get along, and seeing him be understanding toward me, the person he thought of once as his tormentor for setting up rules, made me emotional. He stared at Maya then back at me and with a knowing look and smiled shyly at me, telling me that we would be fine.

I hope.

 

Monday morning was cold, we had April showers and it was too windy. I showered and headed downstairs to make breakfast for the kids. Kit was up and ready, which was surprising. I heard footsteps from Tiffin and Willa's room right above the kitchen. Since our mother was here it was easier to get money for groceries, so today we were having pancakes. Something special, because our usually was cold cereal.

As I finished the last pancake and stacked it on the plate on the table, I saw my mother walk in from the front door. Messed up hair, a lit cigarette, and she smelled like liquor from ten feet away.

"Lochie."

So now we are at Lochie again. And not son-of-a-bitch!

"Yes mom?"

"Now that you are eighteen you need to get a job. Help me with the kids." she smiled.

"Mom, we have talked about this before. I can't right now, with all my final exams and having to come home and take care of the kids. I would have to drop out or neglect the kids, I can't!" I was truly exasperated with her, since I was sixteen she's been nagging about it. I would get a job, but if I did she would never come back to drop of money and the kids would never see her again.

"Lochan, I am running tight on money. I have all you kids to feed, bills, rent. Your father left us with nothing." She huffs. Then takes a drag from her cigarette. Jeez, mom! Maybe if you stopped spending your money on teenage clothes, lip gloss, and doing your hair.

"Maybe once I start Penn in the fall, I can get a part-time. But you would have to come home at night and help Maya with the kids. Center City is not too far, you can come in the R"

"You know that is impossible Lochan, Philly is far, the train would cost too much. Plus it would be dangerous for me to travel at night." She said. "But, I accept you taking up a job once the fall starts."

"Mommy! Did you just get in? You didn't tuck me in last night." A very sleepy looking Willa tells my mother.

"No, baby. You were asleep when I tucked you in." She smiled at Willa. Lying to her.

"Oh." My five year old sister says looking surprised.

"No you didn't, you just walked in. Stop fucking lying to her!" Kit rolled his eyes.

"Language." I frowned at him.

"Kit, you should be nicer to your mother." Mom said to Kit.

"Really? Why? You are never here, Lochie and Maya are the ones that take care of us. You are just like dad; you abandoned us for a good fuck!" Yelled Kit.

I looked at Kit, fury running through him. Then at my mother, wrath running through her.

"Kit!" Maya yelled from the landing.

I saw mom walk towards Kit, she looked ready to strike him across the face. In a split second I put myself in her projectile. Getting a hard slap across the face, then I felt warm liquid drip down my left cheek.

"Lochie, you’re bleeding." Willa exclaimed.

"Oh mom, you made Lochie bleed." Tiffin frowned at her.

I touched my cheek then looked at my hand. I was bleeding. Luckily it wasn't Kit because social services would have been here today. Then I felt a towel wipe at my cheek.

"Does it hurt Lochie? We have to clean it. Mom are you wearing rings, you opened up Lochan's cheek. He might need stitches." Maya looked at me. Concern in her eyes.

"I'm fine."

"Loc…" Mom looks wide eyed, scared even.

"Mom, if you would have hit Kit we would be getting a visit from social services. You could have gone to jail." I calmly tell her.

She has never been physically abusive toward us, not until last Saturday, I don't know where this is coming from. It may be her state of intoxication, maybe this will help her sober up.

"Loc…" She murmurs, then walks out of the front door.

 

I am glad this morning is over, but now I am getting weird looks from my classmates. I am used to being ignored, not looked at with interest. The opening in my cheek isn't bad, it looks worse than it feels, but people are going to think I probably got into a fight and therefore draw attention to myself. I can't wait til this hell hole is over!

During lunch I use to sit by myself, usually avoiding people, hoping I wouldn't panic and freak out. But lately my panic attacks have diminished, slightly. I answer questions in class, voluntarily, and I have even done an oral. I even got a friend, Declan, just transferred over for the last semester. I never thought I would have anything to talk about with anyone, except my family, but Declan is easy going and shy himself. He is also attending Penn State in the fall, so I guess I can count him as being a long term friend.

We always sit at the stairs during lunch, he asked me about my cheek and I blew it off as an accident.

"Hey Loch, your sister is staring at you. Is she okay?"

I look up a Maya, her face clearly telling me we have to talk. I have been avoiding this, the moment I have to tell her again that we have to stop.

"I think she's worried about my cheek. She's very motherly." I murmur.

"Have you thought about dorming at Penn?" he asks.

"I can't really afford it, plus I got a family to take care while I get my degree. Luckily the scholarships are going to cover my full tuition and have extra to spare. What about you, Dec?"

"Don't know, yet. The commute wouldn't be bad and I would save a lot on rent. But it would be great to get the full college experience."

We continue talking about Penn State, and then I see Maya and Francie walk toward us. Oh God!

"Hi.' Francie tells Declan.

"Hey. Francie, right?" Declan asks her.

"Yup."

"Lochan, I need to talk to you." Maya looks down, pleading for me to follow her. I do.

"I'll see you in English, Dec. Bye Francie." I say. They both nod.

 

I followed Maya out of campus and toward the cemetery nearby. Hopefully no one will be there so we can speak freely.

 

We reach the cemetery and walk toward an area enclosed in trees.

 “Lochie, what is wrong? You haven’t talked to me since last Saturday.”

“Maya, I-I…” I stutter.

“No! You can’t break this off again, Lochan! We agreed that we would fight until the end.”

“Look, Maya. Listen. Please.” I stare at her, Maya’s eyes ready to shed tears. I walk toward her and hug her, tightly. I missed her. I kiss her on her forehead. Wanting more but right now we can’t, not until she is an adult.

“I am not breaking anything off, but we have to stop, for now.” I look in to her ocean blue eyes.

“Stop?”

“We can’t do anything to rouse suspicion around us, or the kids. We have to keep clear of each other for a while, okay?”

“I understand, Lochie. But I missed you so much, hearing your voice, touching you, kissing you.” She looks at me with love in her eyes.

“Me too. For now, we gotta be careful, sweetheart.” I hug her closer and smell her hair.

“Since you’re not going to be sleeping with me for a long time and we’re not going to have any alone time, can you kiss me? Please. Lochie.”

I take her cheeks in my hands and softly plant a kiss on her mouth. She has the sweetest mouth and softest lips, and I can’t help deepening the kiss trying to press myself into her until we become one. She opens her mouth and slides her tongue on my top lip, as I suck on her bottom. I groan. I pull away.

“Thank you, Lochie.” She smiles at me and kisses me on right cheek.

“Let’s go, I have an oral presentation for English. Miss Azley is going to kill me if I don’t show up.” I smile back at her.

“Lochie, she is helping you, isn’t she?”

“I don’t know, I still panic but it is less now.”

“Your sore from rubbing your teeth on your lower lip is healing up. I have never seen it look so good. She is definitely helping. I told you, Lochie, you will be just fine. With time all your anxiety will go away.” She gives me a bright smile.

As I walked toward my English class, I thought about my issues with anxiety. I’ve been like this since I can remember, maybe becoming more reclusive once my dad left. Everyone in school knew to leave me alone, I had straight A’s, did very well in my classes. But I could never speak up, socialize, or even be stared on for more than five seconds before I started experiencing an attack. Sure Miss Azley helped me confront it and subtly pushed me, but it was Maya’s perseverance in getting me to open up that helped me the most. Without her, I wouldn’t be where I am at now; without her support and love.

“Glad you joined us Mr. Whitely.”

“Sorry. Miss Azley.” I say looking around at all the faces, feeling my face heat up at the realization of being tardy.

“Take your seat, Lochan. We are going to start with the essay presentations…” I cut her off.

“D-Do you mind if I go first?”

She smiles widely. “No. Not at all. Please.” She says. “State your name, and title of your essay.”

“Good afternoon, everyone.” I feel slightly panicky. “I-I am Lochan Whitely. The title of my essay is ‘Serendipity.’ I-I hope you like it.” I take a deep breath and start reading my essay.